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Anna tackles a ton of topics in her final column, including what not to do with that bottle of hot sauce.

Monday Jan 19, 2009.     By Anna Pulley

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As someone famous once said, “The more things change, the more Shania Twain.” And so it is with this adage in mind that I am retiring as Carnal Consultant. I've finally paid my debt to society and the judge said I could walk free, on the condition that I return the embroidered oven mitts and the unlimited supply of Flaming Hots.

It has truly been a pleasure servicing your sexual and romantic conundrums. Please feel free to email me your tips on how to can furniture polish or the history of cunnilingus according to Wikipedia. I appreciate all the feedback I’ve received from you all, which is why in this last column, I will try to answer as many questions as possible that I didn’t have time to get to. Of course they will be short since I only have so much room on this page. Away we go!

As a male I sometimes imagine being bisexual and I'd be much more receptive to being that way if you, Anna, were overseeing the situation. In good health with an experience of 67 times around the sun! What do you say?
It’s great that you're exploring your bisexuality, and at 67 years young! I applaud you. But no.

My girlfriend recently hit it off with a guy at a work conference, and wants to follow up on their connection. We're poly but the guy is not. What can I do about this other guy? I don't want to interfere too much, but at the same time I want him to reassure him that I'm okay with him getting involved with her as long as he doesn't try to break my relationship with her. Should I talk to him directly, or let them work it out without my advice?
Don't talk to him. If your girlfriend is straightforward about your situation, he'll either be comfortable in pursuing something or not. There's no use in you playing the middleman. Unless you’re into that…

I want to bring some food into the bedroom. My gf's lactose intolerant so whipped cream's out, and we're both avoiding corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils, so chocolate syrup's also not so good. Any recommendations?
Whatever you do, don't put Cholula hot sauce anywhere near your ass. Not even the “mild” flavor. Go wild, but use your common sense. No oils that could deteriorate latex. Avoid putting lots of sugary things into your girlfriend's vagina. Try Popsicles, ice, candy (like lollipops, jolly ranchers), honey, fresh fruits, organic chocolate sauce (if you can't find it at the store, make your own). And don't forget the world's oldest sex toy, the cucumber.

I'm a female in the Bay Area and I'm sick of my car. I want to get into cycling, but there's just one little snag. The problem? Bike seats make me sore. I'm talking really sore, like I can't sit down for a week, much less masturbate or have sex. I've tried those big ass seats and padded butt shorts, but there's just too much pressure between my legs. Is there anything I can do?
Biking shouldn't hurt, especially to the point where you can't jill off. Take your bike to your local bike shop and have them check it out. It could be that the seat height is off or the angle. If your bike fits comfortably, then you should be able to leave the Caboost! Padded Panties to the guests on The Tyra Banks Show.

I'm a middle school teacher in my 20s and I still want to have a life. Everyone's telling me to get on Facebook and Okcupid and other social networking sites, but I'm afraid that my students will find me online. Am I doomed to online spinsterhood, or is there some way to keep my profile age appropriate and still sexy?
Facebook privacy settings are about as secure as Guantanamo. If you're still worried, slightly change the spelling of your name so they can't look you up. And if you hear your students talking about social networking sites, play clueless. Pretend like you still use an abacus. This will ensure they don’t go a snoopin'.

After a recent condom malfunction I found myself in need of the morning-after pill. The guy who put me in the situation kissed me goodbye and went on his merry way as I went to buy it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I realized I was going to have to shell out 40 bucks for what was essentially his mistake (and then had to be the one to take on a miserable week of hormone-induced mood swings and depression). What's the etiquette here?
It shouldn’t be the sole responsibility of the dude to buy condoms, and it also shouldn't be the sole responsibility of the lady to buy other forms of birth control, such as the morning-after pill. If you are having regular sex with someone, it’s not uncouth to ask that birth control costs be split 50-50. It would have been gentlemanly of him to escort you into the pharmacy, yes, but such an act doesn't render him completely shitterific. Also, if a condom breaks (and he should be able to feel it), stop immediately and put on another one.

How can I find sex toys that fit me well without spending lots of money? They're expensive and not exactly returnable.
Ask the sales people for their recommendations. They're there for a reason, and it's not only to laugh at you for buying “Big Trouble in Little Vagina.” The catch is you have to know at least moderately what you’re looking for. Most sex toys have user reviews, as well. If you find something you like, hop on google and read about it, so you can hop on something else later.

How do I indicate to a hot bisexual couple that I'm interested in both of them and would be open to a threesome without sounding like a complete skeezebag who just wants a sandwich?
First, don't say anything about a sandwich. Second, flirt like crazy. Make both subtle and overt jokes about threesomes – cheaper hotel costs, three-legged races, etc. Compliment them, not just on their looks. And really, don't say anything about a sandwich.

Anna Pulley has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. She's not contractually obligated to answer questions for us anymore, but you can contact her here.