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Anna cooks up some holiday haikus for those without a mate this season.

Monday Dec 29, 2008.     By Anna Pulley

Dating Feed

I want to know, is it me why I can not find a woman that is available? It seems everybody 21 and up is in a relationship. By the way I am 25. I feel real lonely, and it feels bad. What should be my first step?

~Lonely Boy

I don't know, Lonely. Maybe your bad grammar makes them [sic]? I stole that from a Snorg T-shirt. Hope that cheers you up; I'm off for my daily highball and musket practice down at the Trump Tower. Toodles.

Your first step should be to drop that woe-is-me shit like it's a piece of Flavor Flav's 50-pound bling. Feeling sorry for yourself never got anyone anywhere, except maybe for Gary Busey. And Paula Abdul. And Eeyore. Hmm, maybe there is something to this. Nonetheless, as someone who is the Treasurer of the Every Unavailable Woman in the World Committee, I can assure you that there are plenty of single women. About 100 million unmarried, according to the US Census Bureau. You just can't tell because it's negative-4 outside and women don't wear rings on the small sliver of face still visible under all those hats and coats.

Being single during the holidays can be pretty sucktacular, which is why, in addition to inventing Santa Claus and his weird little sweatshop of big-eared midgets, God also invented eggnog, TiVo and dating columnists. All of these magical things will help you knock that loneliness into a semi-unconscious state. Since I've pretty much already answered your question here and here, I won't continue to bore you with my sage advice. Instead, here are some haikus.

Who needs a date when
free internet porn exists?
Merry XX-mas!

Miracles happen
when you least expect them. So
pass me a Coors, bro.

Thanks Uncle Don, but
one more shot and I'll miss what's
next on "Law & Order."

Not even Macy's
window displays will cheer me.
Thank God for Facebook.

Used to feel sorry,
then I met Gary Busey.
God, I respect him.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.